Conference Realignment

J: Not all things political are on "Face the Nation". It looks like there's going to be a major shakeup in NCAA athletics, and it's most likely going to happen soon.

The word on the street is that the Pac-10 has offered membership to Texas, Texas A&M, Oklahoma, Oklahoma State, Texas Tech, and Colorado. Since that would obviously mean the end of the Big XII, Missouri and Nebraska are rumored to be in discussions with the Big 10.

And that's where the politics start. Texas is apparently trying to get their own TV network out of the deal, and Texas A&M isn't too happy about that- especially since Texas already gets an unequal share of the Big XII TV revenue. So, apparently A&M has approached the SEC about potential membership. As an added bonus, they claim they'd bring one more Big XII school with them- not Texas, but Oklahoma. That move makes a hell of a lot of sense on some levels. The Sooners would feel much more at home in Athens, GA or Gainesville, FL than they would in Palo Alto, CA. Same with the Aggies, who would be much more comfortable in Tuscaloosa, AL than Eugene, OR.

This also makes a ton of sense for the SEC. Any talk of realignment hinges on football, and adding two traditional powerhouses would be good. Expanding the conference footprint into Texas would be even better. Plus, two western teams makes it far more likely that the SEC could then snag two teams from the ACC or Big East- Virginia Tech, Virginia, Clemson, Georgia Tech, West Virginia, Louisville, Miami... offer them all, and let them know that the first two to say "yes" make the cut. The two Virginia schools make the most sense for the conference in terms of expanding its footprint, GA Tech and Clemson make the most sense from a football standpoint.

There are some potential problems with that move, though. First off, having Texas and Texas A&M in different conferences could be a tough sell for the Tejas legislature. A&M has one big political ally in their corner, though. Rick Perry is an A&M grad, and by all indications, he would not object to the Aggies heading east. The tougher battle will be in Oklahoma City. Say what you will about T. Boone Pickens, but I don't think anyone can argue that he has a lot of money. He may insist that his beloved Okie State Cowboys stay tied at the hip to Boomer Sooner, which could complicate things.

The school that's really left out in the cold here is Kansas. Rock, Chalk, out there flapping. From all accounts, the Big 10 would love to have the Jayhawks. The problem is that Kansas and Kansas State ARE a package deal, period, and while the Big 10 would like Lawrence, they have no interest in Manhattan. If the Big XII North loses Colorado to the Pac-10 (which seems like a done deal by all accounts), and Missouri and Nebraska head to the Big 10 (which makes a hell of a lot of sense), Kansas and K-State are left in the lurch. So is Iowa State, but nobody really cares about the Cyclones. Kansas would be left in the unenviable position of trying to scratch out an existence somewhere like the Mountain West, which would immediately hurt their football, and eventually hurt one of the most storied basketball programs in the nation.

But the potential payoff is huge, which is why Kansas doesn't really matter. A Pac-10 championship game between USC and Texas? Epic. Texas A&M vs. Alabama every year? Must-watch. Nebraska heading into the Big House to face Michigan? Incredible. (Bonus points to that one if it's snowing.) This entire deal is going to be driven by money, and there are going to be more back-room deals cut than any of us can possibly imagine.

Not all politics takes place on the hill, and this particular type of politics is going to involve rivalries, age-old disputes, gladhanding, backstabbing, and realpolitik. It would be one thing if money was involved, but this isn't about money. It's about a hell of a lot of money, which is different. It's going to be interesting. By all accounts, it's going to get interesting really soon. Crack open a beer and start tailgating while there's still time.

A History Lesson

C: Drunken Politics' hidden agenda is simply to encourage curiosity in the American Political System. Fortunately, a fine bunch of Americans, (un-associated with Drunken Politics in any way, shape or form), publishes one of the Interweb's great collections of American Political history. For aficionados such as ourselves and our loyal readers this is an absolute gold mine. Enjoy.

http://www.livingroomcandidate.org/

Perhaps one of the greatest sites ever created. Unfortunately, addiction counseling for this magic is not provisioned for under the new Healthcare law.

Something Happened

C: For all of our loyal readers, Drunken Politics has not been asleep at the switch. For the most, Community service, Antarctic expeditions and Seychelles safaris have been placed in a holding pattern.

Where have you been, you may ask? Our non-partisan global commitment to provide at reasonable locally competitive rates in numerous languages and currencies ( i.e. in addition to dealing with customs officials and sensitivity to the wide-ranging norms, mores of cultures and the occasionally complicated barter systems of traditional 'non-recognized' societies) magic makers, acrylic paint, poster placard board, rounded safety scissors and an assortment of JoAnn fabric samples for flag-making keeps the team busy. As well as a growing Elmers Glue and complete out-of-the-box papier-mache figurehead solution. Note: We do not provide lumber or matches or kazoos. The board meets next month to discuss expansion into the crowded funny hat marketplace.

Right then. If one was not paying attention, a Historic Healthcare bill became the Law of the Land March 22, 2010 when President Barack Obama signed the mildly controversial bill with 22 different pens. A small portion of Congressional Republicans are under the impression that the signed legislation is still a debatable work in progress. Schoolhouse Rock could not be reached for comment at this press deadline.

Drunken Politics analysis to follow.

Texas Two-Step

J: So, it's Primary Day down here in the Great State of Texas. Along with the usual passel of local offices, we've got some interesting races on the ballot. First off, the judges. The judiciary in Texas is elected, and people can make campaign contributions to the candidates... even in the courtroom, while the judge is hearing your case. In some ways, this state is still the Wild West.

But the big race this year is for the Governor's office. Anyone who studies Texas politics will realize that the true political power lies with the Lieutenant Governor, but the Office of the Governor holds more national sway. (See: Bush, George W.) The race on the Democratic side this year is fairly one-sided, with former Houston Mayor Bill White holding a rather sizable lead in every poll over businessman Farouk Shami. Why someone named Farouk Shami thought he could get elected to statewide office in Texas- especially as a Democrat- is beyond me, but that's another story for another time.

The Republican race was the more interesting one, with Governor Rick Perry facing Senator Kay Bailey Hutchinson and Tea Partier/9-11 Conspiracist Debra Medina.

One of the things Texas happens to do right is early voting. giving citizens the chance to cast the ballot when they're available, rather than a small window of time on a random Tuesday- I support this. Anything that provides a greater opportunity for enfranchisement is a good thing in my book. So, I took advantage once again.

Because Texas is an open primary state, you declare your party when you go inside to cast your ballot. Looking at all my options, I felt that my vote would be more valuable in a certain primary. So, when the old guy at the early-voting site asked me in which party's primary I wished to vote, I looked around, made sure no one could hear me, and half-whispered "Republican". As I was walking over to the voting machines, I stopped and looked at my voting registration card in horror.

They had stamped it. With the "R" word. I was marked. I felt a variety of emotions- shame, denial, anger... bargaining... depression... acceptance. I made my decision, I would live with it. Even though I will vote for a third-party candidate before I will vote for a Republican, even though I still have an "Obama 08" sticker on my Honda, I had made my decision, and I would live with it. I later found out there are two reasons they stamp your voter card, and one of these would loom large in my future.

Having cast my ballot early, I thought long and hard about the second part of the Texas primary. If you look at our archives, to this post, you'll see that I described Texas primaries in simple terms. "It's a vote, then a caucus. Two thirds of the delegates are apportioned by the vote, the other third are divided up via caucus results. And you can't caucus unless you voted in the primary." The two reasons they stamp your card? One is so you can vote in case of a runoff, and the other is so you can participate in the caucus.

I'd thought about it ever since I voted, and decided that I would indeed take advantage of this. I would go to the Republican Caucus in my area, and see what it was like. I imagined a number of interesting scenarios playing out, and thought I would first support Teabagger Medina, and then Senator Hutchinson.

I was set. I had a plan, I had ideas. Yes, this would be good. As I drove to the caucus location, I felt like Hunter S. Thompson heading to the 1972 Republican Convention. This would be it- my chance to see how the other half thinks, behind closed doors.

I got to the local middle school, and the parking lot was absolutely slammed. I finally found a spot behind the school. My sense of civic pride was through the roof. This many of my fellow Americans, coming out to participate in a direct (if somewhat archaic) form of Democracy. If a bald eagle had flown overhead and crapped an American flag, I wouldn't have been completely surprised. I saw a stream of people heading through a door, and I fell in line with them... straight to an auditorium, where the school was having a choir recital.

I got out of line and saw a uniformed police officer. I asked him where the voting area was, and he gave me directions. I went around the corner, into the gymnasium. Of course it was in the gym. I don't know what the statistics are on the percentage of American ballots that are cast in a school gymnasium, but I know it would be high. I walked towards the older woman who was sitting at the table. (You have seen this woman. She is the same old lady that serves as an election official at every vote, nationwide. I think they clone them.) She saw me walking up, voter card in hand, and immediately said "Sorry, honey. Polls are closed."

"No, ma'am. I'm here for the caucus."

"Oh, well then you're in the right place. Have a seat."

I looked at the assembled group. A lot of long hair, mainly worn in ponytails. The women's hair tended to be dyed in colors that don't occur in nature. I looked back at the election official and discreetly pointed to the REPUBLICAN stamped on my card.

"Oh, sorry, honey. You need to go down that hallway until you get to the other gym."

I went in, and saw two people seated on the bleachers. A man in khakis and a dress shirt, and a girl in all black. The guy was filling out papers. I said "is, um, is this the Republican caucus?"

The guy told me it was, and asked me what district I was from. I told him, and he said "Oh. I'm the chairman from another district. Stick around, there might be someone from your district who had instructions."

I waited until the prescribed start time of the caucus, and no one else had shown up. I asked the guy- who had mentioned he'd been through Precinct Chairman Training- what to do. He said "Well, you could call it a night. Or, if you're willing to fill out a couple of forms, you could get the paperwork from the Officials and volunteer."

"For what?"

"To be the Precinct Chairman."

I thought about it. I'd volunteered my time, and I'd be damned if a couple of forms were going to keep me from making my voice heard. After all, I hadn't had a drink all day, just so I could go to this caucus and be part of the process. I wasn't going to throw all that away, just because no one showed up to pick up some random packet.

And this is how a man with an Obama sticker on his rear window, a man whose 5 year old son has a Che Guevara t-shirt, a man who thinks Dennis Kucinich has a lot of sensible positions- this is how that man became a Republican Party Precinct Chairman in Texas.

Round 2 is on the 20th. It should be interesting.

C: The DrunkenPolitics North Desk is exceptionally jealous of the Southern Desk's opportunity to make Chorizo. Stupid, boring Oregon mail-in ballot bullshit. The opportunity to participate publicly is gloriously American. Secessionist Six-Gun Perry kicked someone right in the taco. Sheesh, Kay Bailout got killed. More important, scrubbing the moss off the Blimp, (we left it behind the garage over Winter). Propane. Hydro. Bio-gas. Flammables. The DP Blimp is coming to a town near you.

It took a few years for us to wring some crap from this stone. The Southern Desk has raised the fucking bar. Hunter S. Thompson would be proud. Dammit.

Shit.

Happy President's Day!

(This op-ed diatribe reflects the opinion of Drunken Politics North and not necessarily the views of the Southern office or any subscribers of this site.)

C: Put down the weekend ad circular, the new mattress can wait. In the 21st Century, our twenty-tens, President's Day revolves around a bank and post office Monday holiday shutdown, a new sets of sheets, sandwiches and assorted random commercially-related anthropomorphized Uncle Sam characters that appeal to an elementary school remembrance of patriotism. Crass? Any more crass than squishing up a few Presidential birthdays to form a pseudo-holiday?

President's Day should be about a moment of reflection. Yes, yes, there should be a Supreme Court Day. Let's ditch that bullshit Columbus Day, the little junior high monkeys should be learning about Court cases that shifted thought about freedoms, the Constitution and little crap such as privacy, voting rights, cripple rights, choice and who gets to learn about shit, where and how. For example, Brown v. Board of Education springs to mind. Fuck Christopher Columbus and the Knights who hold sway so they can have a fucking parade. And Congress is going to have to haul water to get a day until we bring back an occasional Congressman Brooks-style beatdown of a Senator Sumner on the floor.

Here we are, 2010. An African-American is President of the United States of America. Barack Hussein Obama was elected by a minority of Americans to the highest office in the land. Minority? Yes. Given the percentage of registered voters who actually voted, the reality is just that. Potential voters who didn't vote and those who voted against him means that clearly most Americans did not want him in office. Many like myself celebrated his election as the opportunity for the Smart Guys to fix the shit that Bush and Cheney dragged our country into in a most embarrassing fashion. Intellectually, internationally, economically and Constitutionally, the GWB Administration crushed the spirit of a nation with their ideological hubris. Katrina and permanent war and privatization of the whole works, Christ. In eight short years, the damage was and still is disgusting. We celebrated a return to decency in 2008. The joy revealed during the Inauguration was genuine and inspiring for so many reasons. And perhaps that's what is so painful now for many, many people.

Why? The why and what the fuck of what is happening now is a difficult nut to crack. The Democrats control the White House, the House of Representatives, the Senate and a retirement or two from a friendly Supreme Court. It should be simple to enact a bit of healthcare, foreign policy, financial reform and maybe an employment juicebox to get the train back on the tracks. Yes? And as in, what in the bloody Hell is happening here?

The 36th President LBJ, despite screwing up Vietnam, managed to jam through the Civil Rights Act of '64, Voter's Rights Act of '65, Medicare, Medicaid,the space program and a whole slew of fine ideas that we take for granted. All this when a good chunk of the country wanted to tar and feather him. Johnson could crush a man with his will. A meeting with him would be the equivalent of a psychological beating. When he ran for Congress, legend has it he had his campaign adviser spread a rumor that his opponent was a pig fucker. He adviser said to the effect that this wouldn't be true. Johnson said all he wanted was for his opponent to deny he was a pig fucker. LBJ was feared. Hell, even Chester A. Arthur was feared.

What has changed? Where is the sausage from the sausage-making? It's easy to point the finger of the hatred of government at Nixon's Watergate and Ronald Reagan's 'welfare-queen-ing' of the Federal system. But the mistrust was solidified by Newt Gingrich. And the Christian Coalition. Congressman Gingrich's Contract eased the way for shutting down the country as a option for leadership. And the Falwell's and Robertson's jihad legitimized religion-based election strategy that still works today among the Idiot class. Throw in the Fox News faux-journalism, and you have the mutated simpleton's path to the Palin/Bachmann form of government. The so-called movement of the Teabaggers is the retarded baby of this three decade-long attack on a civil society.

This is where we stand. What is a free-thinking, decent American supposed to do? From the 2010 State of the Union address, President Barack Obama:

"The spirit that has sustained this nation for more than two centuries lives on in you, its people. We have finished a difficult year. We have come through a difficult decade. But a new year has come. A new decade stretches before us. We don't quit. I don't quit. Let's seize this moment -- to start anew, to carry the dream forward, and to strengthen our union once more."

Happy President's Day.

J: I should have expected this.

Or, from a more mainstream source:

The opening-night speaker at first ever National Tea Party Convention ripped into President Obama, Sen. John McCain and "the cult of multiculturalism," asserting that Obama was elected because "we do not have a civics, literacy test before people can vote in this country."

I know it's a lot to ask, but could the Tea Party movement at least pretend to not be completely racist?

C: Tom Tancredo has always been the voice of reason and civility.



Where to begin. It's disturbing that the MSM that this frothy Tea-related collection of the Paranoid despises so greatly has now blessed the Pitchforkers with an air of credibility. Nice homework skills, Fourth Estate. Less than a thousand Father Knows Best bright pink patriots gather in the OpryLand Motel, and ta da, proof of legitimacy. Fox News, the new new MSM, hangs on every drop of spittle that the Retardocracy (thank you Rahm) blithers on and on about. And despite the Teabagger's blatant racism and xenophobia and Birtherisms and Biblical quackery, a shockingly massive number of Americans without callerID are backslapping this concept of the Idiot Patrol gone rogue. I had something else, but I wrote on my hand. My flop-sweat smeared it. Dammit. Something about the President might be 'black-ish'. Or 'Jewish' which is kinda 'Muslim-y'. Dammit. Oh, there it is on the other hand. The big question at any Convention of any kind, "Who got laid?".

At a loss for words

Update: In the Drunken Politics Pantheon of Stones: Dateline: February 1, 1960. Four Greensboro NC Ag & Tech guys with serious stones decided that they would enjoy some lunch. They would not be denied a blueplate special. And that says more than anything else. 50 years later...

C: Rarely does this happen.

J: As a former resident of the Palmetto State, this disgusts me. For those of you who don't know, school funding in South Carolina is, quite frankly, about race. The State government provides minimal funding, while local school districts pick up the rest. In the wealthy (and predominantly Caucasian) districts, students have access to educational opportunities that rival any good districts in America. In the poorer (and predominantly minority) districts, it's a different story.

An award-winning documentary was produced a few years back on this, as was a follow-up photography exhibit.

View "Corridor of Shame"

View "What About Us? Student Photographs from the Corridor of Shame"

I will warn you, if you watch the video and look at those images, you may very well be filled with a powerful urge to travel to Columbia and start doing physical harm to politicians.

2010 SOTU, DP-style

J: It's once again time for the President to do the Constitutionally-mandated thing, and inform Congress on the State of the Union.

If this was "Serious Politics", we would be predicting what Barack would be telling us, and what bombshell he was going to drop. If you want that sort of coverage, we'll probably do a postgame show.

Here's HuffPo's rules for the 2010 SOTU drinking game. I think they're fair, and pretty non-partisan. I expect Biden to do something hilariously embarrassing, and if he does, take an extra drink. Five if he's audibly flatulent during a somber pause.

C: A quote that seems to get magically attributed to anyone who may have repeated it, or has been wishfully attached to achieve extra juice, comes to mind. I'll run with the Yale Book of Quotations citation despite the fact that alumnus Dubya may have permanently spoiled the University's credibility for intellectual analysis. From YBQ: Joseph de Maistre (1753-1821) from Lettres et Opuscules Inédits, vol. 1, no. 53 (1851) (Letter of 15 August, 1811):

"Toute nation a le gouvernement qu’elle mérite." (Every country has the government it deserves.)

Children Left Behind

J: One of the many reasons my contribution had dropped off in recent months was that I had reentered the world of Academia. For a variety of reasons that I won't bore you with here, I just hadn't got around to finishing my degree, and I am now at a point in my life where it makes sense to hit the books again.

It has been a few years since I set foot in a classroom, but thankfully not much has changed. The professors are still occasionally long-winded, and the books are still quite a racket. What is different this time around is the people in the classroom with me. And I don't just mean in a "they're so young" sense.

I am witnessing the results of programs such as No Child Left Behind, and it is absolutely appalling. We as a Nation are raising a generation of automatons. These kids do not ask questions. Well, that's not entirely true- they ask questions, just not the right kind of questions. They don't question whether the professor is factually correct, they don't ask how certain bits of information fit in to the course content. The only question they have is "Will this be on the exam?"

Thanks to standardized testing starting early in Elementary school, and lasting all through High School, we now have teachers that simply "teach to the test", and the students have caught on. If information is On The Test, then it is vitally important, and must be retained at all costs. If it is not, then there is simply no reason to waste the brain space to retain it, no matter how enriching it may be. Critical thinking? Why bother? It won't be On The Test.

I was raised to think about things and ask questions. My first Critical Thinking class was in fifth grade, taught by Sister Mary Hope. I'm certain there's a cheap joke to be made there about a nun teaching that particular course, but I'm not going to make it. My point is, even in Elementary school, I was taught the quote by Plutarch- "The mind is not a vessel to be filled, but a fire to be kindled." For today's youth, the mind is a card to be punched. Education is apparently no longer about teaching our children, it is instead an industry. The students are no longer expected to be learning how to be productive adults, they are instead treated as a commodity, a cog in the machine, a statistic that has to pass The Test in order for the school district to get its share of Federal tax dollars.

We're not training the next generation of leaders, we're training sheep who will be more than happy to sit in their cubicles and do their menial tasks without complaining.

It's a goddamn embarrassment.

Shell Schlocked

C: PANIC! FLEE! RUN FOR SOME LIBERAL LOCATION! HEAD FOR CLOONEY'S ITALIAN VILLA!

Well, it turns out after one whole year in office, the King Grass Skirt Hawaiian Barack O'Kenyan O'Bama is an abject failure as a leader and as a President. Maybe the Birthers were right all along.

Let's face it, the guy lost two wars and sold our ass to China and attempted to shove Universal Health Needles into our delicate flabbly American parts. And Democrats are twitching on the floor like they've been attacked by a sudden case of Tourette's Syndrome and Epilepsy. This week in a fill-the-chair election, famed now dead Senator Edward Kennedy's Massachusetts' seat was lost to Republican who posed naked. Spinning in grave not withstanding, voter's in the Bay State decided that without the clout of seniority they'd dig a handsome newcomer over a legacy handover. This means the Democrats only have a 59-41 advantage in the US Senate so all is lost for their agenda. And, so what.

Coupled with their House of Pelosi and a few Supreme Court justices in fine health, this surely means the Party of the Mule's impending failure. Bull Moose-esque. Glen Beck, Rush and Reverend Pat rule the roost. Fascinating, in today's America if it's in writing that if you enjoy your healthcare plan and you can keep said plan, it means Nazi Trotsky Steal Your Guns Vegetarianism. And screw the Poor. We Americans have never been the brightest bulb in the chandelier. The so-called Hope of 2008 has been burnt down in unique fashion. Palin stomps on the Terra striking fear in the hearts of Prius owners, and Fear and Greed and Gawd trumps the hand-holding pansy-ism of Gay Democrats. Or something.

Simple analysis works as such: Control of the House, the Senate, the Presidency and the future of the Courts might just bend the Beckham your way. Where's Rahm Emanuel when you need him? Hand-wringing is for old church ladies, stop embarrassing yourselves. And get a job. Nevermind, we don't make anything anymore.

A Call For Help

J: One of the journalistic goals C and I have is to obtain press passes to the 2012 Republican National Convention. We feel that it will be the type of event that we really need to cover live, in order to properly convey the feel of the crowd. However, we recently learned of an event that even more desperately needs us in attendance- the 2010 National Tea Party Convention.

Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann, and a large group of Teabaggers. The entertainment potential here is unbelievable, and we're just the guys you want on the ground. If any of our readers are among the idle rich, and can spring for press passes, room, board, and liquid refreshment for us, please contact us immediately. Otherwise, we're going to be stuck with C-Span and Fox News for coverage of this event, and while we will do our best to follow it via television, it just won't be the same.

J: Oh, and halfway through January, we have already matched our 2009 output. Don't judge us, we were hung over.

C: These seemingly innocuous times are ripe with The Budding Fruit of Weirdness. Just officially announced: The Snowbilly Quitter herself, best-selling author and Teabagger Pageant Queen Sarah Palin, will be joining Republican Minnesota Congresswoman Michele Bachmann on her re-election campaign trail April 7, 2010. While making an early call on election projections is rather Floridian in political journalism circles, Drunken Politics North is going to call the Snow Machine vote for the charismatic, commonsense and colorfully creative Bachmann.

Dare we peek over the horizon? Palin/Bachmann 2012? One word comes to mind. Epic.

Happy Birthday!

J: He would have been 97 today, and for all his corruption, faults, and flaws, the man would not have put up with Sarah Palin, Michelle Bachmann, or Teabaggers.

Happy birthday, Mr. Nixon.



C: "Richard Nixon has never been one of my favorite people anyway. For years I've regarded his existence as a monument to all the rancid genes and broken chromosones that corrupt the possibilities of the American Dream; he was a foul caricature of himself, a man with no soul, no inner convictions, with the integrity of a hyena and the style of a poison toad. The Nixon I remembered was absolutely humorless; I couldn't imagine him laughing at anything except maybe a paraplegic who wanted to vote Democratic but couldn't quite reach the lever on the voting machine." ~Dr. Hunter S. Thompson

Welcome to the new-new America

C: The United States of America is undergoing a unique transmogrification. Gone are the days of civility, pseudo-intellectual Constitutional misinterpretation, obfuscation and a quasi-cogent irrational argument. The Teabaggers are the new American meme. It makes me want to hum the National Anthem on the way to Walmart. To buy a 48-pack of Chinese toilet paper and a Klondike bar. I forgot my list again. Oh, and Death Panels will be decommissioned in the 2012 Palin/Bachmann administration. Thank Geezus for that. And Mexicans are involved somehow. Yes, the Mexicans. I can no longer sit back and allow Communist infiltration, Communist indoctrination, Communist subversion and the international Communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids.

And yet Hope is shining on the horizon. Slippery indictee House Leader Tom "The Hammer" Delay of Texas is kicking up his heels on Dancing With The Stars to show us the way to freedoms. Can I get a 'Whoa, Amen.'?

Palin to resign

J: It's one thing to dump bad news on a Friday. It's how to manage a news cycle. Every politician at a level higher than high school student council has this maneuver in their playbook. However, dumping bad news is one thing. Announcing that you will resign as Governor of Alaska almost a year and a half before your term ends, that's something else, and that needs to be managed carefully. You dump that bad news on a Friday that a ton of people have off of work, and the day before a national holiday.

I don't know why Governor Palin is resigning- I listened to her rambling speech, and had a very difficult time following her train of thought. She really should have written the speech in advance, or at least had a few 3x5 index cards with some key points on them. But, I digress.

The question now becomes: Who's next for the GOP? 2012 is looking like an uphill climb for the Republican party anyway- whether or not you agree with his policies, Barack can flat out campaign. But now, in the span of about 10 days, the two front-runners for the 2012 nomination have basically been knocked out of the race. Mark Sanford traded his chance at the Presidency for his Argentinian mistress, and now Palin has removed herself from serious consideration. Mike Huckabee, Mitt Romney, and Tim Pawlenty are all thrilled to hear this news.

But... why? Why did she resign? Is there a scandal coming around? Could she just not take the pressure of the liberal Alaska media? Upcoming weeks will be telling, and, with any luck at all, entertaining.

C: While Drunken Politics North enjoyed a post-inaugural hiatus in the U.S. Virgin Islands, it only seems appropriate that a fiasco magically appears from the Great White North to welcome us back to the mainland. Troops are drawing back in Iraq, the American economy is in the crapper (so goes General Motors, so goes America), California is declared unsalvageable by Steve Jobs who had to go all the way to BanjoLand to get a fresh liver, a fresh and spicy Supreme Court is on the horizon, Newt and Rush are the titular heads of the GOP, the President has an ocassional Kool on the roof of the White House after impressing the World and pissing on Dubya's signing statements, Portland, OR's openly gay mayor is cleared by the Attorney General for lying about an underage liason only to have his house fall into pre-forclosure, the Chinese are thinking about dumping the dollar in favor of a more reliable currency... And Al Franken is finally a gotdam United States Senator representing the frozen wasteland known as Minnesota. Don-cha-know.

And here it is, a Drunken Politics gift basket on every doorstep, a gift basket filled with moose jerky, snow machine parts and a pamphlet on tips for dealing with babies who may be really really close relatives. Alaskan Governor Sara Palin, now former governor, peaked and jumped the shark with her appearance on SNL's Weekend Update. Nobody, I mean nobody, quits a sweet lazy gig like the governor of America's largest undisturbed national park without dirty, filthy, nasty and filthy secrets soon to be exposed. Idle speculation is in order. Is the Alaskan Governor the South American sweetheat of a South Carolina governor? Is the daughter's snowbilly-baby the love-child of Letterman or Joe the Plumber and the Governor? DNA...DNA...DNA...Will she go on The View and tell all?

The Republican Party has burnt down into an unseemly steaming mass of embarassment. I expect Nelson Rockefeller and William F. Buckley shall rise from the grave and kick some asses. Palin/Bachmann 2012.

It's Not Over!

"Over? Did you say "over"? Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!"
-Bluto, Animal House

While those of us who follow the American Political Ritual obsessively are spiraling into a melancholic withdrawal, thankfully Election 2008 is still a bubbling cauldron of Weirdness. For two and a half years we compulsively stored and regurgitated ridiculous amounts of minute campaign detail of flubs, faux pas', position papers, voting records, polling data, statistical anomalies and dirty, dirty dirt on the dirty dirty lives of those crazy and egotistical enough to run for public office. But like a dog's ear perking up at the sound of a squirrel rustling in the Autumn leaves, It Is Alive and the chase may be on.

Like a scoop of homemade vanilla ice cream on a slice of hot out of the oven pumpkin pie, Thanksgiving season has blessed Drunken Politics. A frothing, teeming horde of Blackberries attached to lawyers has descended on Minna-soder for the Coleman-Franken recounted recount bonanza of Magical Ballots. New Mexicans chuckle with appreciation as Prince-conjured votes keep poofing out of nowhere. Divine Retribution could be in a Southern stocking this Christmas. Saxby Chambliss, the Rat Bastard who won his Senate seat by blistering triple-amputee veteran Max Cleland as a terrorist sympathizer, is in a December 5th runoff against a dude of the unknown called Jim Martin. Will disabled Veterans let Chambliss' bile go unpunished? Will Ted "The Convict" Stevens win reelection and make all of Alaska proud? Missouri has taken off their socks and shoes to finish counting up those pesky pseudo-ballots. And the Lieberman soap opera twists in the wind, what would Prince Machavielli do? Will Turncoat Joe go unpunished?

Will a few hundred votes from North/South/East/West Buttlick determine the shape of the United States Senate and US policy for the next generation? Dam straight. Now go find someone who didn't vote and smack their ignorant nose with a wet newspaper. Spiked with thumbtacks. And hot sauce.

The Bourbon Gods need to be appeased and they're demanding a turkey leg. Hopefully, they will shine a gravy-soaked Thanksgiving smile upon us during America's Overtime.

note: All I want for Christmas is a bag of fresh mixed metaphors.

Looking Forward

J: OK, enough with the facts. Let's get down to business. It's time for rampant speculation on the makeup of President Obama's Cabinet.

Secretary of State: As much as I think Bill Clinton would be a brilliant choice in this position, I don't know if Slick Willie would do it. Prior to the Democratic Party convention, I thought Biden was a lock for it. If it's not Bill Richardson, I will have to scrape my jaw off the floor with a putty knife.

Secretary of the Treasury: This might be the most important selection Obama makes, at least for the first few months of his administration. My dream pick would be Warren Buffet, but Paul Volcker will end up in the seat.

Secretary of Defense: Always a tough one for Democrats, because the party is seen as being soft on defense. Looking within the party, the obvious choice is Sam Nunn. If this is a seat Barack wants to offer a Republican, Chuck Hagel would be a nice fit. I think Obama defies conventional wisdom, and keeps Robert Gates in place, for continuity of command.

Attorney General: John Edwards screwed his way out of this slot. Arizona governor Janet Napolitano is the front-runner, and unless she declies, the spot is hers. Massasachusetts governor Deval Patrick may get some late consideration here.

Secretary of the Interior: Well, again, I have a dream choice. In an ideal world, there is only one choice for this slot, and that's Al Gore. I don't know if he'd accept the demotion.

Secretary of Agriculture: Someone like Tom Vilsack would fit in just fine here.

Secretary of Commerce: Gary Hirshberg, CEO of Stonyfield Farms, would be a nice fit. Senator Olympia Snowe could also garner some bipartisan interest here.

Secretary of Labor: Norman Mineta? I really have no clue.

Secretary of Health and Human Services: In a perfect world, Hillary Clinton would be a great fit here. She's too smart to give up a seat in the Senate, and so is Barack.

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development: Michael Bloomberg. Seriously- that's my prediction.

Secretary of Transportation: Hell, I don't know. I never can predict this one.

Secretary of Energy: Kansas Gov. Kathleen Sebelius would get my vote.  Arnold Schwarzenegger would be a great selection as well.

Secretary of Education: See "Transportation".

Secretary of Veterans Affairs: GEN (Ret.) Wes Clark.

Secretary of Homeland Security : If Chuck Hagel doesn't get defense, this job would be a great one for him.

C: Game on. Time to percolate some speculate.

State: Richardson. He just shaved off his beard. And he'll be rewarded for dissing Bill Clinton at their Super Bowl watching party. It doesn't hurt that the Axis of Weasels fear the Giant Hispanic.

Treasury: Bob Rubin has the brains and the Clinton Administration juice and Wall Street respect.

Defense: Hagel is a good choice but a realistic outside shot to Jim Webb who has solid credentials. Or Oprah.

AG: The MA governor Deval Patrick, a longtime Obama brother in arms, is a good call. New Jersey's John Corzine has a shot.

Commerce: Clueless. But someone from his new Economic Advisory Board is a good place to look. Lincoln Chafee could use some love. And he's a smart dude.

Labor: Will Robert Reich get any play?

HHS: Missouri Senator Claire McCaskill carried water for Obama from early on in the show.

HUD: Andrew Cuomo has up and coming written all over him. And he had the gig under Clinton.

Transportation: US Rep Earl Blumenauer (D-OR). He's been a longtime Transportation geek with green ideas coming out his ears. His bowtie is the perfect neckware for this gig.

Energy: This one is huge. And I don't have a clue...Would Al Gore come down off his throne?

Education: Caroline Kennedy. She oozes character.

VA: Wes Clark, is there a better place for a General with a heart?

Homeland Security: Another gig I think Jim Webb would be well suited for.

Interior: Carl Pope, Executive Director of the Sierra Club. Zing! Bam! Pow! Oh sweet justice!

UN Ambassador: Colin Powell needs to redeem his soul. Bill Clinton is too massive for such a lowly water carrying post.

Aftermath

J: Well, it's been a few days since the election. I can finally try and give my initial thoughts on what we've witnessed. I've tried twice before, but got way too emotional.

First off, it still boggles my mind that we can have an orderly transition of power. The people speak, the winners celebrate, and the losers accept it and move on. That's mind-boggling if you think about it for more than a second- people willingly relinquish power. The President just says "I'm good. Your turn. Have fun with it" and moves on.

But that's Drunken Civics. Not our gig. I want to look at the three turning points in this campaign. These were all tipping points- where the election could have taken a radically different turn.

First and foremost was January 26th- the South Carolina primary. To narrow it down even more, the 17 minute victory speech that Barack made. That set the standard for what C. refers to as "Shock and Awe" speeches by the President-Elect. Prior to that moment, Obama could have been just another winner of the Iowa Caucus- like Tom Harkin, Dick Gephart, and "Uncommitted". After that speech, we really saw the blossoming of the Obama movement.

And, good lord, that was a good speech.

The second moment came in Denver, at the Democratic Convention. Senator Hillary Clinton could have engaged in a long and drawn-out fight for the nomination. She most likely would have lost, but instead, she chose to have Senator Obama nominated by acclamation. That seemingly simple move allowed her supporters the freedom to support Barack. If she would have fought tooth and nail, she could have possibly thrown a ton of voters into McCain's camp. I don't know if it would have mattered in the long run, but it could have been the difference between a landslide/mandate and a narrow victory.

The third moment wasn't an instant- it was a period of almost a month, and that was John McCain's bizarre September. The Palin selection excited a ton of people... for a few days. Then, we got to hear her speak. Even though we can be a bit reactionary as a Nation, we instinctively understand some things. One of these apparently is "If you get eviscerated in an interview with Katie Couric, you're not ready to play politics at the major-league level". By the 26th, when the McCain I'm-Going-to-Suspend-my-Campaign play had failed, and he stepped on the stage at Ole Miss... the writing was on the wall.

If this race was a prize fight, it would have been called.

America the Beautiful

C. On October 6th, 2008, Drunken Politics was the first major media entity to predict an Obama Landslide victory. Here's our President Elect giving his victory address to an America starved for a thoughtful, daring and powerful restoration. One of what will be many Shock and Awe speeches:

Enough with Carrots, More Stick

C.
Enough with this pleading for Americans to pretty pretty please please go vote. Ever want stand in a voter line in Haiti? Or name a random central African country. Or let's bring up a visual for our denser American citizens, the Purple-thumbed of Bagdad. You, in the most putrid state of willful ignorance, don't have the 'time', or you whine it doesn't really matter because THOSE politicians are all corrupt, etc., etc.. Guess what? The reason your job got shipped overseas, the reason why your house is going bye-bye, gas prices up, food prices up, the Chinese are poisoning your kid's Robo-former, is simple to understand. You are pathetic and lazy and you let it happen because it requires thinking and being an active participant in the true American Way of Life. And maybe you've heard, some of your fellow citizens get shot at for a living to protect your Rights.

Well, I say enough is enough. Go ahead, blame greedy corporations. Who let the line get blurred? Do you know your Congressman's views or voting record concerning anything? You non-voters revoke your right to citizenship. Gitmo could be put good use, what's that? I can't you hear you with your head underwater. Who are your two Senators? We'll let you out when you can recite The Federalist Papers verbatim.The Chinese had an interesting approach to re-education camps. Heck, we don't even have to deport you. We own our own version of Siberia, that's right, Alaska has lots of room for you and your buddies. Fresh air and meat just wandering around. Sorry though, no more socialist oil checks. See, you are no longer citizens. Besides, we don't want or need you sucking up valuable and scarce commodities, clogging up traffic and prisons, driving up the cost of healthcare and drinking our clean water. Bad news, you and those who scoff at participation in the process are no longer welcome.

But you, Joe Don't Vote, have been given every opportunity to be patriotic. Do you really want Citizenship Revoked with Extreme Prejudice stamped on your driver's license? It's Election Eve. You've still got a couple of hours to dig up a newspaper, (the tree-thing with words), go stand in line, pull a lever or touch a screen and end what shame and guilt you carry with you every day. Wait what? You might not even be registered to vote? Pssst. Remember that oopsy, little Patriot Act thingy THAT YOU IGNORED that only spied on pesky terrorists? Should have paid attention. We're watching you.

Just go vote, save us the trouble of tracking you down.

Reaching Across a Different Aisle

J: White Supremacists overwhelmingly support Barack Obama.

C. We'll just let anyone register to vote. Geezus Crisp.