Caribou Barbie

J: The worst thing about a blog going dark for a few months is that there are far too many things that need commentary, and far too little time to mention them all. But, so far, the biggest surprise of this election is John McCain's choice of vice-presidential nominees.

I don't believe for a minute that Sarah Palin was Senator McCain's first choice as running mate. I think she was a reactionary pick, trying to pander to both the hard-core conservative base and the "PUMA" crowd from the DNC. She's definitely motivated the base- on both sides. Hard-core feminists and the pro-choice community may want to see a woman in a position of power, but not this woman. And I think, before everything is said and done, that Hillary! will come forward and deliver a statement that will do some considerable political damage to Palin.

Here's my overall take on Governor Palin:

I think she's a great politician- for Alaska. The problem there is that the main issues that affect Alaska aren't the same as those that affect most of America. She's extremely sharp on the Alaskan issues- look up some of her 2006 debates on Youtube. She's also smart, cunning, and has a mean streak- all of which are necessary in politics. She knows which lawmakers have slept with which aides, and who has what skeletons in their closets.

I think the big reason she comes off poorly in interviews- and Katie Couric and Charles Gibson aren't exactly the attack dogs of the Washington press corps- is that she hasn't spun herself up on National issues. Oil production and fishing rights? She's good, she's done her homework, it's important to Alaska, she gets that stuff. International relations? Not an issue for her.

And I think she never studied those sorts of things because she didn't expect them to be relevant, at least not at this point in time. She was viewed as an outside contender to get a shot at VP, because there were other women in the GOP perceived to be more "qualified" and "experienced" (which I think are bullshit labels to use- there is no job that can really prepare a person for the Presidency. If we wanted experience, this race would be George H.W. Bush vs. Jimmy Carter). Kay Bailey Hutchinson would have been a far more powerful running mate.

When she runs for President in 2012- and she will, 'cause if McCain loses, she's still the new face of the GOP, while if he wins, I believe he'll be a one-termer (assuming he makes it through the term)- you'll see a much more informed Sarah Palin on the campaign trail. A lot more foreign policy and economic discussion, a lot less about moose hunting and snowmachining.

And that brings up another interesting aspect- she's trying to connect with the "average" voter by saying "I'm a lot like you". The simple fact of the matter is- she's not. While most parents may take their kids to sports, the kids are playing soccer and baseball, not hockey. The average American doesn't hunt moose, nor do they ride snowmachines. (I just really like the word "snowmachine". I'd always heard those referred to as snowmobiles, but hearing "snowmachine" has changed my vocabulary. Snowmachine.)

Finally, I've noticed an interesting phenomenon when talking to her male supporters. Eventually, the phrase "she's hot" comes out. Really? Sarah Palin? While I'm not going to disagree with them- every person has their own standards for what qualifies as attractive- I just don't see it. I think her voice is the deal-breaker for me. I just can't concieve of sultry pillow talk with that accent. Instant deal-breaker. And I think Thomas Jefferson would spin in his grave if he learned that the people of the Republic were even considering voting for someone because of physical appearance.

I have no good conclusion to this, so here's Governor Palin offering honorary Alaskan citizenship to Craig Ferguson.

C. Alaska Governor Sarah Palin is simply not qualified to be Vice President let alone President of the entire United States of America. Now it is good clean fun to be Zena the Christian Warrior Executive of a National Geographic wonderland populated with moose, bears, hippies, king crabs, 'snow machiners' (say it again J., 'snow machiners'), oil drillin' good ol' boys along with the cast of extras from Lee Marvin and Charles Bronson's masterpiece Death Hunt, but mistaking a whale for a Russian submarine is not foreign relations expertise. Pageant princess drama, popping out a litter, sitting on the PTA, being an avid speak-in-tongues member of a Church of Snake-handlers and being the mayor of some frozen shitberg are not Leader of the Free World resume builders either. The ink isn't even dry on Her Smugness' passport. And when Katie Couric, a former Today Show hostess, turns you into a dog-ate-my-homework blithering idiot you are in deep moose dung.

After the first Presidential debate (where Senator McCain offered proof that North Korea is evil, "South Koreans are three inches taller than North Koreans."), Sarah Palin was noticeably absent for the post spin fiesta. Joe Biden did his gig filling in the Obama potholes and sharing the happy Koolaid. The Republican team turned to Rudy 9/11 Giuliani instead of the Queen of Hockey Moms. When your own people are afraid of what you'll say, this is not exactly a ringing endorsement of your qualifications. After the whoopee lipstick on a hockey pig feigned outrage 10 minutes of Frothing The Base, Palin appears to have become a liability even among her own campaign team. Is Joe the Lapdog Lieberman whispering in McCain's good ear, "Im still vetted John, I'm still vetted"? And which GOP wizard sold the idea that Caribou Barbie could pull Hilary Clinton women voters?

Overheard at the McCain war room, "We need a bump in the polls! Stat! Who's got an idea?"...

Cue music and 3...2...1..."Yummo! Next week on Rachel Ray: Sarah and Bristol Palin join Lynne and Jamie Lynn Spears to discuss what's really important: EVOO, making little Christians and loving Geebus!"

The October 2nd Vice Presidential debate should be a hoot.

J: Snow machiners.


Running Again

J: My fellow Americans, our long National nightmare is over. C. finally has a working computer again, and not a minute too soon. Because as bizarre as the primaries were, the general election for the Presidency is quickly becoming, for lack of a better term, flat-out weird.

Then again, so is the rest of America. The state of the Union is bizarre. If you need proof, just look at the American Football Conference. The Bills, Titans, Ravens, and Broncos are undefeated. And I won't even get started on the state of the Raiders.

But this isn't Drunken NFL. It's Drunken Politics, and we have enough strange happenings in that realm to keep us busy. I'm not going to get into the economic collapse right now, we can come back to it later. But yesterday, Senator John McCain announced he was suspending his campaign in order to focus on the bailout. Well, not immediately- he will still speak at Bill Clinton's "Clinton Global Initiative" on Thursday. But Friday? Well, by golly, he won't be campaigning Friday. No sir. Country First. It's far more important to get this bill passed. Never mind that he sits on no committee that will be doing the real work on it, never mind that he has not made a single vote in the Senate since April, he's going to go to work! It's not like there was anything major scheduled for Friday. Other than that debate with Senator Obama in Mississippi. The Foreign Policy debate. The one where it was assumed that McCain would make his strongest showing.

There have so far been three really interesting ramifications from this. First, McCain cancelled his apperance on The Late Show with David Letterman. Now, Dave likes Johnny Mac. Hell, McCain announced he was running on Letterman. There's a history there. So, when McCain called and said he was heading to the airport, Letterman had no problem with it... until he found out that McCain was down the street, doing an interview with Katie Couric. It's bad enough to cancel one TV appearance for another, but don't do it on the same network. Dave was irate- and if you haven't seen it, it's hilarious. The fact that Letterman got Keith Olbermann as the replacement guest

Dave on McCain.

Second, the McCain Campaign has suggested moving Friday's debate to October 2nd, and rescheduling the VP debates to a date TBD. In one day, the McCampaign suggested moving two debates. Just... wow.

Third, I don't know if it was David Plouffe or Barack himself, but someone in the Obama camp earned their pay yesterday. When Obama said "It is going to be part of the president's job to deal with more than one thing at once", he framed the discussion in his terms. More importantly, he acted quickly enough to get in the same news cycle as McCain's announcement. Speed kills.

C. Well J., it's good to be back in the seamy underbelly that is Drunken Politics. Months ago when I decided to give my brain and sanity a rest from Chris Matthews and Fox News by canceling my cable, the Flying Spaghetti Monster decided to test me by pouring a full glass of wine over my laptop. With no Internets or cable TV, I suffered with local TV rabbit ear Action News, the joke known as nightly national news and these strange documents fashioned from trees called 'newspapers'. I now can fully relate to your generic Americanus Ignoramus also known as 'voters'. It is nearly impossible to construct an informed opinion with what passes for media insight. Only Public Television's Charlie Rose and the News Hour prevented suicide. Granted, local TV news helped soothe my information-free anxiety by sharing scare videos of criminals lurking under every bush, the frightful disease of the day and Doppler 8000 pinpoint weather forecasts. The one highlight of old-timey TV are the endless barrage of campaign attack ads. It's helpful to know that one of my US Senate candidates loves rapists and taxes, and the incumbent owns a set of million dollar golf clubs. Yea Democracy!

Speaking of Yea Democracy!, we can thank our red, white and blue stars that the free market is in a state of near collapse. Without the end of Wall Street capitalism and financial giants' implosions, we'd still be deluged with the grand debate whether Governor Sarah Palin is a lipstick-coated pig or a moose-shootin' reincarnation of the Virgin Mary/GILF. While foreclosures and 401K losses bother a few grumpy Americans, WalMart is still open 24/7, so how bad could the Economy really be? Former TX Senator and McCain economic advisor Phil Graham said we've become "a nation of whiners". Woops, a TRILLION DOLLAR bailout woops. Last week McCain said the economy is fundamentally strong. Woops. Now he's suspended his campaign trying not to trip over his superhero cape as he flies back to Washington to save the day from greed mongers. Unfortunately, those selfish bastards in Congress worked out a deal to fleece the taxpayer before he could work his Mystical Maverick Magic. And Obama has the working man's shark, errr friend, Warren Buffet advising him so the little guy can sleep tight. Senator Obama, Man of Change, has the fattest of the fat cats steering him on policy. Sheesh.

Will there be a debate Friday? On something? Anything? Will Obama debate himself? Will John McCain sell his houses to prove his empathy with America? Will Obama smug himself out of the White House by using big fancy words and complicated ideas?

Healthcare? Jobs? Home ownership? Gasoline or Groceries? Guns? God? Gays? Pregnant white teen trash? Maybe a shiny new Cold War because those old ones we are fighting are downright boring? Suspend the election until until the economic boo birds simmer down? Is privatizing Social Security off the table? Stay tuned America.