The Bailout Worked

C. That's right, I said it, the Bailout worked. The United States of America government has, for once, done it. No, I'm not speaking of the steaming pile of moose droppings that used to be known as the Economy. Boooringggg. What is the single most important chunk of THE GREAT AMERICAN LIFESTYLE? Ta-da! Television. The Idiot Box. America's Babysitter. The NFL and the NBA and the Olympics and Tony Bourdain and Love Boat reruns and This Old House and Sesame Street and Dancing with the Stars and... I'm a cheapskate. Good bourbon in copious amounts is expensive. Cable TV is disgustingly expensive and www.hulu.com has the Daily Show and the Colbert Report for free. I, being the good rabbit ear using American, was terrified by the ominous scroll that my BoobTube would die unless I called toll free gubment number by February something 2009. I received my $40 Bailout Coupon within two weeks. I was told I could wander into any God-fearing American Electronics Retailer and they would take my $40 credit card-like coupon and a $10 dollar bill and hand me a little magic Made In China box and everything would be alright. Does anyone with an IQ over a Baby Palin trust the US government to get anything right? Not me. So five minutes opening a box, two connections to America's Bestest Friend, put batteries in Chinese remote control and POOF, I have stunning, crystal clear, glorious high definition wide screen format television. The Bailout worked. I trusted my government and I will be a pig in poo on football Sunday. AND IT'S FREE BECAUSE IT FLOATS THROUGH THE AIR! Count this voter as a die-hard believer in our new American Socialism. Whoa Amen and God Bless America.

Oh, and when Americans opens up their 401K quarterly statements this week and next, free TV will become very popular and John McCain will curse his fortune for running for President when the stock market loses 35% of its value a month before the election. The Other Bailout, ummmm, not working so good. Woops.

Woops. Make that 40%. Anybody seen GWB lately? If Americans lose half of their retirement savings in one month, an incumbent dogcatcher will lose in an bloody landslide. And it's one thing when Joe Sixpack has to work until he's 94 his two jobs plus pimping ebay beenie baby deals at 3AM, but when rich guys start losing money...not a good time to be a Republican fundraiser. Or an elected Republican. It's going to be a brutal sweep for years to come.